All the Numbers: A Novel

我怎麼從來都不知道？
不知道孩子是會離開世間的，
不知道這樣為他收拾衣物和鞋子竟是最後一次。

我要翻遍他所有的抽屜，聞遍他所有的衣服，
然後用塑膠袋把他的氣息全封起來，
這麼一來，他就會一直在我身邊……

失去了兒子，像遺失了二分之一的愛。
失去了手足，像遺失了二分之一的靈魂。
他的離去，把生命的希望全部帶走……

看著小兒子詹姆士靜止不動的軀體，
愛倫聽見自己喉嚨發出低沉呻吟，
她伸出雙手向前，
卻觸摸不了他的臉龐，感受不到他的溫度。
年輕的生命就此消逝寧夏午後的湖畔。

突如其來的失親之痛，讓愛倫無法承受，
為了撫平傷口，她緊緊抓住控告肇事者的機會。
面對害死自己孩子的兇手，
除了恨之入骨和報復，還有沒有別的可能？

目睹意外而深深自責的大兒子丹尼爾，
承受著失去手足的徬徨孤苦，
還要面對母親沉浸在自己哀傷世界裡的忽視。
需要彼此安慰的母子兩人，關係卻脆弱得一觸即傷？

當我們失去摯愛，
到底需要多久才能走得出陰霾？
時間真的能治癒我們心裡的傷痛嗎？

你認真想過無法預期的意外會奪去你我身邊最親愛的人嗎？
突來的悲劇發生時，誰都會問為什麼？卻沒有人能為意外作準備！
面對殺害自己孩子的兇手，除了恨之入骨和無條件寬恕，還有沒有別的可能？

面對意外的接納、失去至親的傷痛與療癒、與已逝手足爭寵的心酸、青少年的成長、寬恕兇手的偉大、社會環境的現實與無奈、正義不被公平對待的平反等普世社會議題。

文字細膩，每一幕都栩栩如生，猶如在我們身邊的發生的真實生活。

★本書作者茱蒂．拉森被美國全國連鎖店Target Store選為2006年新銳作家。
★美國亞馬遜書店讀者書評五顆星。
★本書中譯本由三采出版。

The recently divorced mother of two boys, Ellen Banks struggles to cope with unspeakable tragedy when a reckless teenager on a jet ski hits and kills her youngest son, navigating the dark depths of grief while seeking justice for her son and trying to mend her family’s wounds. A first novel. Reader’s Guide included.

”How much do you love me?” Daniel asked his mother.

”I love you all the numbers.” What begins as a sunny August afternoon on a bucolic lake turns into a tragedy when a Jet Ski swerves fatally close to shore. It’s a day Ellen Banks could never have prepared for, a day no mother should ever have to live through. The moment her son James is killed, Ellen must face the unimaginable while trying to remain strong for her older son, Daniel, who witnessed the fateful accident and blames himself. Ellen’s shock and grief soon give way to defiance as lawyers and policemen who once vowed to support Ellen’s desire for justice succumb to political pressure and back away. Still, Ellen is determined to see the reckless young man pay for his crime and to heal her family’s deep wounds. But first she must heal herself. An unforgettable journey of power and emotion, All the Numbers poignantly depicts a woman’s reckoning with her own vulnerability and finding in the wisdom of motherhood the redemptive grace to begin again.

作者簡介

茱蒂．拉森 Judy Merrill Larsen

　　本書是茱蒂初試啼聲之作，學士與碩士都主修教育的她，文章寫來別有一番將寓意寄託的細膩。也曾經歷過很多工作經驗，如餐廳服務生、快餐店收銀員、門市銷售、代課老師、英語老師等，因而描寫周遭人物的生活與個性能夠栩栩如生。

◎個人部落格：www.judymerrilllarsen.com

Chapter One


Good God,” Ellen Banks said when she entered the drab, scuffed room that housed the west side Madison branch of the Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles. “Could they make this place any more unappealing?”

“What do you suppose they call this color? Sludge?”

Ellen turned to smile at the woman holding the door open for her and answered, “It definitely isn’t in the Martha Stewart Collection.”

The woman laughed in agreement and exited the building.

Ellen groaned as she wended her way to the line for renewing licenses. At first, she was too busy calculating how long it had been since these walls had last been repainted—she noted the decade-old cigarette smoke stains near the ceiling—to notice the length of the line she was standing in. Then she realized that only one person had left her line so she had barely moved in five minutes.

“I thought getting here early would prevent this kind of holdup,” she muttered.

“No such luck.”

Ellen was startled to have her complaint answered by the young man in front of her. She smiled back at him and took a sip of coffee from her Badger football travel mug. She looked at the clock on the wall, then at her wristwatch, convinced the time could not be right. Had she really been in line only eight minutes? Both timepieces must be lying. She started to tap her toes impatiently, then took another swig of coffee. Thank God for thermos mugs, she thought.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” a deep voice barked at her from behind.

“Yes?” Ellen turned eagerly, hoping she was being summoned to a newly opened line.

A stern, uniformed woman with her hair pulled back tightly in a bun glared at her. “Didn’t you see the sign?”

“What sign?” Crap, Ellen thought, if I’ve been wasting time in the wrong line I’ll scream.

“The sign that says ‘No food or drink allowed.’ ”

Oh, please, Ellen thought, you’ve got to be kidding. “I’m almost done with my coffee,” she said to the woman, who seemed to see herself in the role of warden. “Don’t worry.”

“There are no drinks allowed. No exceptions. You’ll have to give it to me to throw away or take it back to your car and then come back in.”

“Look,” Ellen pleaded, “I don’t want to lose my place in line. My coffee’s nearly gone, okay? I’m just here for my annual license renewal.”

“You should have paid attention to the sign before you took your place in line.” The warden didn’t move. Ellen tried to summon up some friendly feelings. I guess if I had to work in this environment every day I’d be a little grumpy, too, she thought.

People around them had started to chuckle and stare. Ellen wasn’t sure the best way to respond to the last statement, but she was pretty sure ignoring it wasn’t going to work.

“You’re so right. I should’ve noticed the sign. I’m sorry.” Ellen tried to sound sheepish, but her words came out too heavily laced with sarcasm to buy her any leniency.

“I don’t believe you’re sorry at all. Return the mug to your car now.”

The young man in front of her assured her he would save her place in line. Ellen thanked him and started to walk out but couldn’t resist first saying to the woman, “Now that you’ve made the room safe from coffee spills, would it kill you to open up another line?”